you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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