he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
She said her name was "party"
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Randomize
