I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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