I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
