I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
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