Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
