I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
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