I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
