Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Houston, we have a blender
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
They are going to name an STD after you.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
