I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
