it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
