There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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