WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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