I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She's the barista slut.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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