I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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