we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
