I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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