I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
