Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
