When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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