You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
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