i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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