Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
