farters have to be the big spoon...
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
