I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
