I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
