I got chris browned last night
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
My liver just had a heart attack.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
