Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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