i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
