i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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