Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
