last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
