Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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