can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
It's shark week go big or go home
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
