Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
