Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
