I can text with my tongue
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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