My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
