turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
