a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
