a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
