Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Randomize
