wrigley field is MILF paradise
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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