A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
