Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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