Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
