U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
