mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
