I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
