forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
